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Tom O'Bedlam - Journal

14th July 1999

Naomi's just got some bad news. Don't know what because she won't tell me - doesn't she trust me? - but it's obviously shaken her up. Maybe she'll talk to me once we've all had a chance to rest. We definitely need it. I worry about her...

I'm also worried about me. I want to get something clear from the start: we did the right thing. A lot of people are going to blame us for turning that machine on, but we all agreed that it was the right thing to do and I don't doubt it for a moment. What bothers me is how we went about it. Or rather, what bothers me is that it doesn't bother me. I mean, there I was activating the machine as per Theo's instructions (we make a pretty good team, I think) and along comes this guy who threatens to kill me and Theo, in this huge exo-suit, blows his head off and I don't even bat an eyelid. Worse, there's some part of me deep inside that's cheering.

Violence is wrong. Any violence. Killing infinitely more so. So why didn't I protest? Not so long ago there was a kid called Steven and he was violent and he blew things up and people got hurt and yes, Steven enjoyed it. But I'm not Steven anymore. I'm Tom O'Bedlam. I've changed, haven't I?

Maybe I should get away from this group for a bit. But what about Naomi? If she's in some kind of trouble...

And I've just realised that I haven't once thought about Loki. What will what we've done do to him? Maybe I'll get home and find him spoiling Freyja. I hope so, but somehow I doubt it.

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